BORN IN A BROTHEL

Addicted to the habit of traveling without cause I was in Calcutta few weeks ago, and I chanced upon small child, as I talked to him, I came to know that he was born in a brothel, I have tried to tell his story the way he did, don’t know if this is going to make any difference, but for a while if we can think about them and try and see if we can do something for them, may be my effort will be blessed. Don’t know what the government is doping about it, and we people, we don’t know nothing about it or may be we just don’t want to recognize the fact that there are lives which need to be taken care of.. This story is of a child born in Sonaghachi, India’s biggest RED light area.

I don’t have a home , i don’t have my dad , I don’t have a brother , I don’t know who my mother is as I have so many of them to call mother , they are almost sixty of them whom I call with the same name, they are very sweet to me , they treat me like I am the king, but when I go out people make fun of me , they call me with different names , I don’t have a name yet, everybody calls me chootu, I don’t know where did I get this name from . But I love this name as it’s the only identity I have. I was born here and I like this place, like the hot cup of tea in the morning and my rice and curry in the day time, in the evening I spend it with my friends as all my mothers are busy working. I have three friends one works in a tea stall, the other one picks amazing things from the street I have collected few of them to play with, he sells the plastic bags and papers to our local vendor here, we call him, Iqbal chacha. The last one, I don’t like him much as he tries to bully us but he is the strongest among us and he gets the proper supply of cigarettes for us, and also gets beer or rum for us sometimes , he is a nice guy I like him very much. I am a big man now i am eleven years old, my mothers like me very much and the auntie in whose house we stay is also nice to me , I don’t have any complains with any one.

But I miss my father , o have never seen him, I don’t know who he is , where he is and what he does, don’t know even if he is alive or not, its just that i haven’t seen him so it think he must be angry with me , I feel like writing a letter to him.

Dear Papa

I miss you a lot, where are , I want to meet you , I want to talk to you, I have grown up now and I also earn fifty rupees daily, I am happy here but I also need you sometimes, I am not like other child I will not ask you anything, iqbal chacha gives me clothes to wear, sardarji gives me food to eat and I sleep upstairs on the roof , I like it there have been sleeping there for long now, no on disturbs me there. It the most wonderful place on earth, I wish I could show you the place. Its only during rainy times that its difficult to sleep but I manage anyhow, I have a small bed there and I hide it inside the small crack we have between two buildings, papa please come once, I promise I will give you the bed to sleep, I will give you tea in the morning I can manage without it, lastly I want to say that I love you a lot papa.

Thank you for being my papa.

Ya I think, this letter will do and when he reads it he will surely come to me, you know he is a nice man, I think. Anyways, I was telling you about my life. We stay in this area
This pace is very nice I like my place. we have a big building in which we stay , there are a lot of people who come here and go , at night this place is the busiest , and our mothers are busy that is why we get free time to play and roam around all the places. I have also visited the slum area here , I don’t know why people call it slum area as I have seen these places are cleaner then other places around us, there is a small temple there , it cannot be seen , u have to go behind he tree , then only it is visible , there is an idol of ganesha there and he is my favorite, I find it funny when I see him sometimes, a man with a big nose , huge ears and a pot like tummy, isn’t he funny . but he is nice , he listens to what I say , I have asked him to send my papa to me just once, and I am sure he will, he is my best friend you know. Well that is my story, I hope you liked it. I will tell you more when i grow up and I start earning like my papa.

My Bharat My India and my Women

Last four years I have been thinking how can someone go through so much of pain and suffering but still smile and live. I tried this myself one day. Was in Darjeeling that time and was just moving around, a thought provoked me to take out my shoes and walk barefoot. The first few steps I took told me that was it and no more of it could be handled by me, but hen I thought why not try one more step , that did and the pain which I had to suffer due to the stones below me and the rough surface is something I cannot forget till date, it gives me satisfaction when I am really down and frustrated and depressed with the most saddest things happening around me that I have been through that so this is nothing compared to it .my foot was all bruised and there were few cuts here and there but still the satisfaction that I went through it and I am still alive made me feel really nice and what a gift I have today, few marks which I got on my foot that day , have still not gone and it remains there giving me immense pleasure when I look at it , accidentally or otherwise.

Bharat VS India

Well do not look at this like the way you are doing I know all three are same, but I believe all three are different. There are many things that I can talk about the three let me take them one by one.

Bharat is a place where people still live in villages, where the women of today are still carrying food for their husbands and going to the filed in the afternoon to feed them so that they can work for the rest of the hours of the day and when he comes back it’s the same story, she has to cook food feed him and the children and go to sleep. Early in the morning she has to be the first one to wake up and do the cleaning and then follow the rituals cook food and wait for every body to get ready. It’s not only the married women who go through this. As this is same for the one’s who are not married. Education is something they are never blessed with. They have never seen electricity in most part of Bharat. They don’t have road but have pagdandis to pass through and reach the market. This I am talking about the villages in northern bharat. Here the women still live a life which revolves round her home and that’s all,, she does not have a say in that at all. She is one who has to suffer has to go through all the pain I her life. She is the one who has to compromise. Really sad but what can we do as we are busy with India right now. Still the reason behind her getting married and settling down in a nice family is not because she is good at something or is beautiful or is educated but he reason is the dowry. This is eating Bharat like the parasites. If I talk of the east the last time I visited that place and stayed there for a month I could see that it’s the women who carry all the business of the house not only the kitchen but also manages the financial part of it, and the husbands are happily drunk. There’s no freedom for them at all. They have to work to feed the family to earn for themselves and also for the husbands who are good for nothing. Lately I have heard things are changing a bit. Thanking god for this but am still not satisfied as I need to assure myself by going there and having a look at it myself. Bengal is a state where the women is given priority as she is treated as god and is respected courtesy Maa Durga, but again she does not get education, she is not allowed to have a profession and here I am not talking about the cities I am talking about the Bharat of today not India, I will talk about it in the better half of this. So do not confuse your self with what your have perceived and what I am telling you all. Bharat is still missing the enthusiasm to grow to learn and to live as better live, its not because we cannot afford it but its because they have never been told, hey have never seen it. I was in a small village in north India wont name the state but when a plane passed through in the sky I could see their eyes wide opened waving up to the plane. I found it quite amazing as India is opening up its air space and is including at least five new carriers every New Year, but still there are lots who haven’t even seen it more then five times in their lives, this might sound very different and you may not agree to it but this is the fact. The women of Bharat are way behind what we think they are. They know nothing about their rights, their husband their in laws and even their own parents treat them badly and she has to willingly suffer all this with a wide smile because she does not know her worth. She has been blindfolded all her life and has been brain washed as she is the one who is expected to be the one who dies first. Anyways Mera bharat Mahan.

When I talk about India my face is full of happiness as the women in India are growing self dependent , they are focused and they know where they want to be , as far financial dependability is concerned , that’s none of their concerns anymore , they have the right to choose and they are doing it right, They are well educated and are in the best places be it political or the corporate world, any industry you talk about they are there , which kind of makes me feel proud of being an Indian, that’s the time when I have my closed eyes towards Bharat. And I don’t care if it is. (Apologies) They are open to ides and are willing to do away with the official dogmas of the society. They have wings and they are making use of it. I am proud of the women of India. Well its not that am only full of praises for them. They also do make mistakes. They are experimenting things and sometimes they go wrong but what the heck man , let them do it , its because of the mistakes we make that we learn many things in life, so be it.

Anyways lets come back to the fact was talking to you about , there’s this lady whom I have been knowing since last four years, she was married to a man , quite education and has been working with the central government for sometime now and is influential in come manner. They got married some six years ago, and four years ago he married someone of his choice and the lady in question has been living with them since then, The lady I know for all this time her name is Snaeha (name changed) . The matter of concern here is the man is not ready to divorce her neither is he ready to leave the second wife he has got. We have talked to this man twice and he says why you are bothered about his life. Don’t we have something good to do in life; he has been threatening us that we might have to suffer if we act smart in his family maters. Snaeha , she takes care of the family as her own does the cleaning , the kitchen for sure, takes care of almost everything . Has a child o take care of. But is treated as a servant of the house, not only that she has to go through so much of humility that when we pass through her house we feel pity towards ourselves as we cannot do anything about it. She also cooks food for some students who stay around ion the colony in their rented flats to get some extra oney for the man. What a sacrifice. I wonder why she does all that and we friends wanted to know about this, we sat down one day and decided to talk to her. We went to one of the student’s place where she cooks food for them, initially she did not say anything about her life but after pursuing her for some time she did tell us her story. She was married to this man around six years ago and with a handsome dowry, the marriage ceremony was a nice one and she was happy about what was happening. After her marriage her father passed away and she was left all alone as she was he only child and whatever her father owned she owns it now, so when the man came to know about this he has been asking her to give everything to her, or else he would leave her and the child and never take them back home, she did not agree to this as she wanted her child to study and all the wealth that her father had left was to be for that. So he got married to someone else and brought her home, and now he has asked her to leave the child and go away from home, he has hit her many times doubting that she has relations with the students for whom she cooks food. Even the mans relatives have not spared her they have been tormenting her. Lately she says he has warned her not to talk to us about anything or else he would kill the child. This is my Bharat in between India.

The status is just the same. It’s like the worm whose one part is open to the sky and feels the fresh air but the other part is still inside the earth, pressed and full of Darkness.

I knw I need U… “coz I knw, I need U…

I Thought WE are Good Friends.. Not ‘coz v meet n sit n eat together, or bitch about people who does’t really matter, or ‘coz we hold firvolous conversations on phone for hours.

I Thought WE are Friends, ‘coz I learnt to Love things about U that I hated the most. I hated your unreasonable grins. But When U smile, a grin forces itself across my face no matter how mad I’m. Have seen you Helpless, in those moments when I cried in front of ya. When I cry U instantly felt the pain & wanted to cry with Me.

I Thought WE are Friends ‘coz when I look at you, in your eyes, I know there’s no one I can ever Trust more regardless of how many tussels we’ve had… Thats is what I thought We are Friends For.

Isn’t it Funny, how come U don’t realize you are special at all??? U ‘re thoughtful without ever thinking abt it. U r always there when I call U. U share everything, not expecting a thing in return… Yet always seems to be forgiving, … Isn’t it Lovely that U have taught me so much abt learing n living !!!… n the process is still on!!
U are that Special Person..

I knw I need U… “coz I knw, I need U… Thats’ Another Reason I thought We’re FRIENDS…

Lord am i guilty?

This feeling of guilt has played an important part in my life, there have been times when I have not enjoyed the things around me because I was busy trying to think about the guilt that I had in my mind , was actually trying to clear my mind out of it . It has played a role of creating confusion and havoc in my life and it has interestingly dampened my ability to really enjoy my life to the fullest.
I was wandering where does this come from , may be my mom or my dad , they keep on telling me what’s going wrong in my life, and my pals too, sometimes it makes me feel there’s nothing that’s going fine around me ,and I end up with a guilt feeling of loosing everything and not doing them well. I keep on wandering around those thoughts then I realize hey all this that has happened, has happened in the past and there’s nothing I can do about it now, but thinking about all those things now, I am certainly ruining the present, the present is so beautiful but I cannot see it because of the guilt I have in my mind which has become more precious to me then my present, the past phew its there in my mind doesn’t it go. It because I am not letting it to , it is ready to go , to leave me it he hands of future but its me who is not ready to part away with it. My future actions sometimes depend upon the experience I have had in the past which is totally illogical as the future is always different form the present and the past , I don’t realize it and my small intelligence in my small brain does not allow it either, pathetic.
So when I realized I was being penalized of the things that had happened in the past, I started forgetting them and not only that, I stopped having guilt trip after that, soon there was none and there’s not going to be any, my mind feels so light now, as now I don’t have a guilt feeling about anything and that is what gives me so much of satisfaction if my thirst for fresh and light air has been fulfilled after a gap of few lives. This took me sometime as I had to travel a lot inside myself to find out where all this coming from, and finally after traveling for sometime I found the place, well there was a heap of it, GUILT yes that was it, a heap of it, it took time cleaning that space in me but yes I was successful and I have a clear mind today.
When I started writing this I thought why writing about it , its something which everybody has and everyone has been going through the same thing and everybody has it in their mind, why speak about it at all, well Its just an effort of mine to let you know that I have been through something and how I have come out of it , it was not easy at all, I have tried to get out of it so many times and still have few things which linger in my mind and that is why my mind still wants to speak about it , this is my last effort to let it go and I am sure that from today onwards I have no more. Don’t know, I am not sure about it, but the effort I am putting into it will certainly help in the long run, I hope. Well even if it doesn’t I will certainly have a satisfaction believing that I tried. I have heard people going into depression because of it, even committing crime like suicide , which is totally inhuman, this is my effort to let everybody who reads this to let them know , the guilt feeling is just a feeling its something you gave birth to, and which takes birth has to die to before it kills you why don’t you kill it, and believe me for committing this crime you will not be punished, that’s where the feeling a being safe with yourself lies, if you have guilt and you carry it for long , that is the time you are more dangerous to yourself and less to others. Some people have the quality of raising doubts about you and even convincing you that you are not what your are, they help you in killing yourself, stay away from these species they are very dangerous.
Realization of the fact that guilt is something we carry ourselves with us and it does not belong to us at all, it comes if we want it to, there might have been times when we have gone wrong , rather then having the guilt feeling why not try rectifying it a bit, at least the feeling that we have tried takes us away from guilt feeling, sometimes the guilt comes incognito taking a shape of some other problem ,which we don’t realize that this is there because of the guilt feeling we have in or unconscious mind, common get out of it and see that the things that are coming are more important , its not healthy to live with it.
The day you are free of your guilt that day onwards you will have a free life, a life of your own a life you can be proud of, few things go wrong in life , they don’t tend to take the path you want to but that does not mean you wanted it to be the way it went, it happened because it had to, you tried you best to do it well, it didn’t , its fine we are human and we can mistakes, don’t be scared to make mistakes and once that has happened don’t stop learning from what went wrong rather then getting and carrying the negative feelings from it why don’t you carry the positive part of it with you, that will help, and you will be a refined man then.
But there are few things I have tried , not to do things the way I have done , to be more thoughtful when I am doing it, carefully studying the results expected and unexpected, which might turn up, and then having a clear feeling in my mind that whatsoever happens it s not going to effect my mind at all. So today happily I can say. I am guilty no more my lord.

A broken heart

Pertaining to the fact that I had never fallen in love helped me realize one day that I was having a clandestine love affair, pleasures of which always came incognito.

Desperately trying to ignite those feelings which I was sure never existed in the nearest of the nearest of the vicinity of mine own mind.

Alas! The realm of my heart was successful to allow someone to be a visitor for sometime. At least. But the unconditional allowance which it gave to the visitor now and then which rather confused me sometimes of its intentions, intended or otherwise.

Still I never uttered a word against it, as I was always enjoying the sweet pain it gave , sweet cause that’s what I felt and pain because that’s the only way I could decipher the feel of it.

Hell came rolling down on me one day when I found the space empty again, and the emptiness kept on asking for the one who had left. Heart beat up to ninety miles per hour. Secluded in the middle of my body, there it had built a small passage for emotions to come in and go out, that was the passage he realized (later) which had been used for the departure.

Blood clogged and dried up there and it left a lump which is still visible to the ones who can see and also to me, sometimes though, as I don’t have the patience to pay attention to it anymore.

Rebuilding the structure , but the lump never agreed to leave its space, all the outer walls have been redone, the windows remain closed , no doors anymore , just has few gaps here and there for some sentiments to inhibit that space for a day or two.

Bypassing the usual ways, and not giving it any chance to recover after it had come down on its own, unable to rebuild the strong ceiling, I left it like that. And have named it for ever………………………..A BROKEN HEART………………………………………

Virginity (Prostitution )

I met Maya after a gap of seven years, she looked stunning with long hair which ran down to he bottom and looked fabulous, when our eyes met we spoke to each other, after sometime I could utter only a single word HI! its been very long had I seen her I wanted to say more but my lips were locked, not because I didn’t want to say anything but because  I had a lots to say. She introduced me to her children Gaurav five years and Bhavna three .I could but only congratulate her for her good luck and family. while we were talking her husband arrived and also the metro. Oh I forgot to tell you I was at the Rajiv Chowk metro station waiting for the train to come. At last it was there I boarded my train this separation was more painful then the last one, now I knew she can never be mine.

Seven years ago I was doing my masters when I had a desire to write about the life of the prostitutes , I decided to visit that place myself and see what it turns out to be ,I went there one evening and started talking to girls from different places, in that crowd of girls I could se Maya ,(her name she told me after we had met the fourth time) with a very charming face and an attractive smile, I went to her and as I stood besides her she asked , want to go. I said no. then why are you here, I told her what was I there for. what do you have to do with our life, she said I mean why are you bothered , you will not know about our lives until you live here live the life we live, feel what we feel and know about the emotional, physical and sentimental torture we go through. then why are you here if you suffer so much I asked. she said I have no other options ,I have a family to look after , I have two brothers who need education and for education we need money and this is way I earn it , otherwise there’s no other way I can earn such amount of money , who will hire me I have no education no qualities to flaunt. and whats with life if I cannot be of some use for my family, my mother is sick she has cancer , my father died six years ago so I have no other option but to sell whatever I have. I had no answer to what she had said, I visited that place quite a number of times and this brought us closer, which resulted in a bit of intimacy between us. my friends came to know about it.

I cannot define that intimacy other then love yes I was in love , in love with a prostitute and my friends were against the feeling of mine , I then decided to stay away from her as it was against the norms of the society ,SOCIEY huh! The things she told me only described her to be a women who is there by her choice ,I  was amazed about the fact, how can somebody be there by choice, anyways she was there by choice .She was doing it for her family and she did not regret it . This woman was full of sacrifices and she knew what she wanted from life, most of us don’t. anyways I wrote what I saw and felt about their life, how they have to cope up with their clients and then their owners and the police, moral as well as the real one’s .How people looked at them what they said about them, she could not normally be a part of the usual society she was supposed to be in. that’s her story.
After that encounter at the metro station I met her again, we started talking about her life and her husband ,I asked how did they get married and where did she meet him and al other things which I needed to know to assure that she was in safe hands . Once I asked does your husband know that you were a sex worker before you got married to him, she said “YES” he knows about it and he finds no fault in me , he is very understanding and caring, hearing these words my feeling of jealousy towards him changed to respect ,I was eager to know how did he cope up with the fact, to which she said see, the thing in a relationship specially marriage is not that what you have done before that but its what you do after that , to make a marriage successful and happy one has to be in a state wherein you are ready to forgive and forget whatever might come in between both of you, which would sometime or later spoil your relationship. He didn’t care about my body he was concerned about me , my body is something which will change with age , with time it will grow old but me I will remain what I was for him then what I am today and I will remain the same for him even fifty years from now, its not the body but the mind that matters .Hearing such words from an uneducated girl who has spent the most important time of her life in such a place which is considered to be the dirtiest, about which most people don’t want to talk even ,I was blessed to have fallen in love with her , and I realised I was still , it didn’t matter to me even if she had slept with hundreds of men ,and it didn’t matter to me if she was a virgin or not . Life had taught her many lessons out of which she taught me one. “VIRGINITY LIES IN THE MIND AND NOT THE BODY”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Justify my life( A short Story)

I still remembered the pool of blood lying beside the girl’s body, in a badly mutilated state, I still could feel the coldness near the Childs body, and I still could feel the child taking its breadth one by one when she used to come to my place, still wanted the child to live. Don’t know what led her to take that decision, but she had already done that, left this world with no questions and no answers to those questions. Only left was her cold body and all those things that reminded of that beautiful smile and those honest efforts of hers. I was tired by the day’s events and came back home a bit late thinking about all those things that had passed, and all those feelings that had gone through me touching me everywhere and giving me all the intentional wounds. I was there in front of my door, took out my keys and opened it without putting an effort, I went inside my room, I could still see the cup off coffee lying on my table, which in the morning I had in my hands when I had received a call from the hostel, telling me about the girls state, when I took the cup in my hands I could feel the coldness I remembered the child’s body again…….. I sat on my chair in front of my writing table thinking about something, don’t know what , but still I was thinking about something , something was going inside my mind but I was totally oblivious of what was going on inside me, I put my heads down with my hands on them and was nearly about to sleep. Suddenly I heard a knock my door, I woke from my thoughts , and couldn’t realize what was happening , it was only after the third knock did I realize that there was someone on my door wanting to come in, I shouted Come in. Knowing that I had not bolted the door while coming in ,no one came in , but gain there was a knock on the door, Come in I shouted again ,no response, finally I decided to go and see it for myself ,I opened the door and saw a man of around forty -forty five years of age, tall and muscular , should have been around 6.2’,huge forehead ,hairs all falling over his forehead ,big eyes ,and these eyes spoke a lot ,a long nose and nice but black lips ,which gave me a general impression that he smoked a lot well dressed. Blue blazers and a grey pant, White shirt, the top two buttons were open, in this chilling winter, I wonder what gave him to much heat to leave those buttons open, I was shivering even though I had an inner then a shirt then a cardigan and then my Russian blazer on top, and accompanying those was a muffler my mom had sent me for the winters, and a cap on my head. Hi, this is kishore  do you remember? I’m from Darjeeling, Not recognizing who he is, I told him that I was very sorry that I did not recognize him at all, he said its fine, can I come in, he said, I invited him inside and gave him a chair to sit down, I pulled a chair for myself and then asked him how could I help him. He asked don’t u seriously remember me, I said no, to which he said, I m Kishore, I studied in St.Josephs School Darjeeling . Kishore: I was in class eight when my father was transferred to Darjeeling, and I had to change my school too, so I joined North Point. It took me three months to adjust my self to the new environment during which I was always sick. That is why I couldn’t attended my school most of the time, that is why I could not make much friends and also academically I was way behind others, so I had a small talk with my class teacher and that we came to just but one conclusion, that I had to spend the rest of my term working harder so that I could cope up with all that had been done in the class. So I decided to give some more time to my studies and spend some time in the library, since there was only one library pretty near to my place, the Deshbandhu District Library, which was three minutes walk from Chowrashta. So every evening after my school I used to be there in the library for the next three hours. the first few days was very lonely, but one day while I was going through few books in the history section, a soft voice spoke from behind., what book are you looking for, I turned around and saw the most beautiful and peaceful face in my life, I was stunned for sometime, couldn’t speak for a while and was also blushing, I knew it because I could feel the hot blood all over my face. Any way’s after sometime I answered shyly, I m looking for the book on modern history, where can I get it? I asked. oh that book, its there on the top of the third rack, she said, hey but there are many ,which writer are u looking for, I didn’t know which writer would write history the best, so I said don’t no any one will do, she went unto the rack, looked through a few and picked one of them and gave it to me, and said this is good and has lots of details. That was how we got introduced, her name was Noosa, and she was the most charming personality I had ever met in my life………when I reached home I remembered nothing but her face and her voice, my mind said that I was in love and had no other thing in mind, my mind was not mine ,my soul betrayed me everyday every moment, my emotions ,sentiments and my feelings all started betraying me , after a couple of days , I met her again , afraid I would tell her about my feelings , I tried avoiding her, but failed. at last tried my best to be normal , with countless beats of my heart I said , I LOVE you. Love , was it? Dont know but had never felt anything like this before and thank god she felt the same , it took us three years to understand each other the best and we knew we were for each other, finally asking our virgin mind the permission we decided to get married, we decided we will talk top our parents that very day, Asking their [permisson was just a normal and easy procedure I thought , I was wrong , our parents went against our decided future, both our parents didn’t think we were good enough for each other, my parents gave their own reasons and hers theirs. NO remedy for the hypocrisy of the being called HUMANS. Within a week my bags were packed and was sent to KURD, a place were my paternal uncle ran his business of KITES,I reached there ,passing through Peshawar and the Khyber pass , I thought many times to return but it was difficult as I had left but anyways I reached there and quickly picked up the tricks of the trade. In the mean time I did try to get in touch with her , every time I tried I failed, and end of every day I thought I will go back and get her, time passed I got more involved in the business, today we are the best manufactures of kites not only in KURD but we also export it to other countries like the STATES and central Europe .Eighteen years had passed I was still single , still waiting still in love. Then my uncle passed away , this I thought was to opportunity to take a small break from work. I came to India in search of my soul, when I reached home I got the news that the day I had gone away from my home this lady had also been send to some other place called Shillong which is in the North east side of our country, any how I got there and tried looking for her , the information I got was shocking I came to know that she had given birth to a girl child a few months after she had come to this place, and died when she gave this new child a life to live. Initially it was difficult to get any information about this child , but I was sure to get it at any cost , for I knew that this was my child , as during our small span of life together we might have had we did show our presence to each other , that confirmed that this was my child. It took me three months to locate my child in Delhi and today when I went to her place I was told that she committed suicide yesterday evening and the body is with the police for further investigation. One of my friends had given me your number in case I might need some help, I told him that I had met you before and I hope you would remember me .Writer: I was shocked to know that the girl whom he was talking about was the same child whom I had tutored for the last few years, still shocked I got up from my chair got hold of his arms asked him to come with me,got my car and moved towards the police station. Crashed in front of the police station and went inside in such a hurry the officer when he saw me was so moved that he came forward and offered me a seat and told me to calm down and tell what I had to say. I told him everything, then he made few calls here and there finally came with an answer. the body had been cremated after all investigations were over .

Protagonist to the writer: see what have you done to me , you created me , you gave me life, u gave me enormous wounds to live with , u gave me suffering , you took everything away from me i dint say even a word, the only thing I owned in life , my daughter even her I have lost today. Sir, please justify my life.

 Writer to the readers: I had no other to this ending as I have never seen any, if you think there could be better ending please justify this persons life.

 

 

Passage Of Time

The passage of time as I passed through it, a feeling of belonging took birth, belonging to the never ending movement of the cosmic stars and the galaxies and numerous Milky Way’s around our own. With the earth making its dual movement all night and day. Where was I bound to move from here? Though the level of satisfaction is the same as it was when satisfaction first quenched my thirst, giving the same feeling when you reach the point of ecstasy. An unclear vision of few men wearing bright orange-red trousers moving through the jungle making a new path by their every new move, and then vanishing completely in the midst of the jungle, until a new vision engulfs, the passage of time. Faith of the millions, that time when gone is lost for ever, and it leaves nothing behind but few hopes shattered , few broken promises, few drops of tears and a few smiles here and there, almost everything is lost in the yesteryears. Forgetting that still, that a new lesson a new vision and an unbelievable moment just passed by. The passage of time still takes over. After having followed it for years I sit down to see, how far have I followed it , so much for it that when I see it pass through me again. Stunned by mine own miscalculation of the speed and it s length. I just let it go.
When yesterday stood before me as today, it took me back to yesterday. A sense of belonging was raised again. Where belonging to the one to whom I belonged was such that I had to raise my hands and try and grip some of the wind flowing around me , to feel the movement and its coldness , to have the sense of power for a moment , for those few things that belonged to me , but just for that moment.
An unclear vision of a waterfall all bright colors around it, must have been the rainbow it seemed so colorful that when I tried to count the number of colors , I lost the sense of counting, my attention went back to the moving water and the sound it generated .Sound of the water falling from the above , the beauty of those single drops altogether traveling that distance from the top of the hill to the bottom of that small pond and the gong forward gave me new strength, I decided I will stop only when the water stops. Hopefully, was moving along the banks of that small stream, I suddenly saw that Time whom I thought I had left in the passage was also there and was enjoying the view of the crystal clear moving water. I thought about having a talk wit h him , was about to approach him , when I saw him engrossed in something deeper, I closed my eyes as he had done and tried to concentrate on the present moment that passed by, I could feel tat the time was in some other world , a world of his own. As I did that my heart was amazingly filled with new happiness and a different kind of feeling started refilling the present one, music of the unknown was what I heard. Every beat of the drums I heard was like a new life again,, with my eyes open I was seeing a dream , with my open eyes I was listening to the heavenly music. I was stunned so could not move a bit, unable to do anything I just stood there for long. I saw time come towards me, tap my shoulders and move on. Realizing that as I was lost in the music for such a long time , time had moved on and he was no longer in the view , I couldn’t see him , neither could I feel his presence anywhere. He had gone and I was left all alone with that small stream, heavenly music and a virgin and honest feeling. But, perhaps the satisfaction had been granted and thankfully I remembered its smile and I did the same. As the time moved on…………
I awoke with an unclear vision of a number of monks moving in a single line and chanting their morning prayers, it was early morning and I had been transformed into a different world altogether and that also in a single night. Not thinking about how, and when and who made this happen I only paid attention to the present time that was moving along .The monks were coming towards me, could see that each one wore the saffron dress, this they call holy, may be it because it’s the color of the rising sun, which when it comes brings with itself new hope, new life, new desires, new movement, new light and a new day to this earth. Saffron was the only color I could see all over the sky all around me and of course even the sun was of the same color. As they passed through me each one rubbing their shoulders on mine ,I realized that I was being an hindrance to their peaceful morning prayers , I moved aside from their path , a smile is what I got in return. A desire to know them better ran into my minds but as the color of the rising sun faded and the bright day color took over it slowly, so did the monks and slowly it became day ,and the monks had vanished ,the saffron color had gone , only thing that remained with me was the feeling that I had seen it and felt it move through me , as I turned my head around from the direction from which I had seen the monks go , I saw time standing there and looking in the same direction I had been looking, it seemed he was totally mesmerized with the view and was thinking , time had lost his own sense of time . I moved forward, tapped his shoulders, smiled and moved on.Last night was a spectacular one, I had invited time for dinner, he was running late so had to wait for him for a while, but when he came he came with a guest, he had the movement with him, I wasn’t sure if he was telling the truth so I went out to see it for my self, I was shocked to see that everything around me was on a stand still, the stars didn’t blink, the wind didn’t blow and my breadth didn’t flow. NO sound of the movement, only could feel the music of silence everywhere.
The time had come and its movement too, now what was I supposed to do, entertain them or ask them to go. For them them I tried putting up a show. Showing them all that I know. Movement being tired sitting there said, he had to go; I thanked him for coming and willingly showed him the door.
Unintentionally understanding my intended intentions time smiled and said sleep my child and I will tell u a story. As I closed my eyes to hear him say something, he didn’t even utter a word and when I opened my eyes to see, it was morning already. An unclear vision of a shadow was what I felt as I was leaning on the tree, as it rained heavily. Few drops that had landed on the leaves, after quenching their thirst came rolling upon me, once touching me and then they dissolved quickly on my clothes trying to be one of them. Lightning being quite familiar on that part of the earth, so was I with them. Having seen them since my childhood, felt as if I had grown with them. But today I saw a different vision which was not the same I had seen earlier, never had felt such a thing before, today was totally different. I saw how quickly the lightning stretches its arms and touch the earth for a second and retreat to its own realm. I felt that it was very shy to be on earth for more than a second, as it came and went ,it left behind few marks here and few marks there to say yes they had been here sometimes. This shadow started moving, so did I and I have been following it all day and night , for which it never ends……………………..The passage of time.
Lying in my grave, all dark and silent, I was feeling the speed of silence pass through me, giving me its immense energy. Which eluded from my mind as any to other thing would? Amazed surprised and a bit shocked when the realization struck me, I was dead. I saw my soul get up and go ,but then it went it, also took my mind along with it , and as it moved along I saw, on my grave it was written……………with the passage of time he passed away.

Crisis Of Thoughts

The crisis of thoughts leads me to believe that the colossal virgin mind has abandoned me of its virtues pure and honest. I did consult my heart for the reasons thereof. For which I got no reply as of. Letting my mind loiter for sometime I was, waiting for a reply and for my mind for it does come back after sometime to the place where it started from, but. Seems disinterested in ventures anymore, for I am its beau but still it doesn’t respond to my feelings and desires, I tired to educe the response again,failed.Sometimes its me,sometimes my mind and sometimes my thoughts that have a ruling hand upon me,but I can’t recognize which one is when.This does give me a hazy picture of the state to which I am being a witness to .complete disorder.For no reasons do I get happy and for reasons not known do I get sad. What can be said of such a condition?The thoughts come incognito seeming to give immense pleasure when its there but as the time passes by,it leaves with enormous wounds given to the mind,the mind gets disturbed and looses its patience,stops functioning leading to a chaos between the thought,mind and the heart.What a pathetic situation I am left in.As all these changes are going inside me but I show a picture of complete silence and satisfaction.Why is it that I am being cheated by my inner self?Why is it that its not telling me about my own faults? Or is it that I am forgetting myself,or is it that I am not listening to what my inner self my unconscious mind has to say. An alien thought,an alien mind an alien heart seems to be taking control over me gradually,but why is it doing that,why does it want to win over me?Why is it fighting a man who has nothing to lose? The colors of life which I have owned through a lifetime are fading away and a new bunch of colors seems to get imprinted upon my life.These colors have a different impact then what my original homely colors had. They never did look like a rainbow but these,yes they do.these little things are changing me bit by bit and I am afraid that I might change myself totally adapting to these new colors. Not afraid of the new task I have laid in front of me but I am surely afraid of loosing what I really had,the inner self the inner me.May the restless mind rest in peace,for I know of its non existence anymore and also know that that as reincarnation of my mind is no more possible. its not human , its more like the wind , like the sea waves which if it dies once can never come back to life again as for its retreat,can it ever do that,no,its not possible for my mind never ever does loose hope. It actually keeps on going, fighting and knows only how to go on. So the question of its retreat never rises as it never will, but I wish it could.I know I will be missing the magnetic and holy power of my mind to attract similar and divine thoughts towards it,but I also know that I will remain happy with whatever I am left with. For I know how to compromise and compromise I will as have always done,I am satisfied with the silence and the empty space which the ever going mind has created in me.This new and a guest mind have a problem,it does not need a reason to be happy what it needs is just a will;a will to smile makes the mind smile. Amazing!Continuous and vigorous changes of the attitude of the mind towards my thoughts have completely changed the whole scenario. A time when I thought that my mind worked with my thought and heart harmoniously, it actually had stopped functioning totally. Why is this change taking place, why is it that this is happening at this time, why did it not choose a different time ? Why?. No guesses as I think I might know the answer. Let me try seeing if I believe what I know is true . may be the time is testing me of my abilities to draw back my thoughts to the place where they belong . will I be able to withdraw them. May be may be not , but whatever the case is , I will remain in the same state as it is . the state of dilema….